How Acceptance Leads to Change in Relationships

The differences that attract us to our partners often become sources of conflict

• The warm, expressive partner may also be overly emotional and impulsive.
• The cool-headed, rational problem solver can also be aloof, “shut down,” or painfully incommunicative.
• The person who is sensitive and conscientious toward others also turns out to be anxious and controlling with those closest to them.
• One partner’s sexual energy, which was once exciting, may later feel needy or demanding.

Personality differences fuel attraction in relationships but also spark conflict and misunderstanding. As a therapist working with individuals and couples on relationship challenges, most of the meaningful change that I see happens through a deep acceptance of one another’s personality differences.

"Acceptance" is a slippery word that can sometimes signal resignation, avoidance of problems, or giving up one’s legitimate needs. The kind of acceptance I am advocating here is not an excuse for tolerating unhealthy patterns, abuse, or pervasive estrangement. It is an active and deep understanding of another person that creates the possibility for effective change.¹

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Personality differences often underlie communication problems and conflict

Couples often seek therapy for “communication problems,” hoping the right words will resolve conflicts. However, communication issues usually stem from more profound personality differences in how each person experiences their inner life and the world.

The desire for a quick fix, fueled by self-help culture, pushes couples into surface-level solutions, avoiding the root of the problem. Focusing on core differences in personality and temperament can seem to entail a kind of pessimism about change in the relationship, because, well, these differences don’t tend to change very much. However, there is a kind of paradox here: Seeing clearly how different you and your partner really are frees up energy for more effective and sustainable change.

An example: The emotionally expressive vs. the emotionally reserved partner

One of the most common personality divides in relationships is between a more emotionally expressive partner and a more reserved one. This difference often creates attraction and complementarity, but can lead to conflict.

Passionate partners bring intensity and a desire to talk through emotions, but this can feel overwhelming to the more reserved partner. Meanwhile, the calmer partner’s steady demeanor may come across as coldness or withdrawal.

As tensions rise, partners label each other—one as “too emotional” or “unstable,” the other as “cold” or “emotionally stunted.” This natural escalation leads to defensiveness, withdrawal, or shame, making resolution impossible.

Once emotions settle, outside the heat of a conflict, shifting to a neutral perspective can open the door to understanding. From a distance, we can ask: What if this trait is unchangeable? What if it’s also linked to their strengths? Emotional intensity and moderation each have benefits, depending on the context. Seeing differences as just that—differences, not flaws—can be a powerful step toward change.

Acceptance of differences leads to constructive change

The purpose of this more neutral account of differences is not stoic acceptance of all of your partner’s behavior (or your own). However, as long as you judge core personality traits as morally wrong or pathological, you will only get a defensive reaction. The shift to acceptance of personality differences opens the opportunity to focus on specific behaviors that can change.

If the less emotionally expressive partner is not going to change their personality, what can their partner ask them to do differently? The more emotionally intense partner might try being more specific about their needs: “When I talk about difficult parts of my day and you don’t say anything, it makes me think you don’t care. I just need you to ask me some questions or let me know that you understand.”

The more emotionally reserved partner may also adopt this more specific, behavioral approach: “When you are upset about your work, I want to help you, but I don’t know how, and I get frustrated. Can you tell me if you want me to help in some way or if you just want me to listen?”

Strategies for change

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Here are strategies to shift from judgment to acceptance, setting the stage for pragmatic change.

1. Take a time out: If emotions escalate during an argument or discussion, take time to cool off—probably sooner than you think.
2. Identify differences and avoid judgment: Connect your annoyances or hurt to deeper personality traits, in your partner or yourself, that you can express in a neutral, descriptive way (e.g., “emotionally intense” vs “too emotional”; “introverted” vs “shut down”; “more spontaneous” vs “impulsive).
3. Start with ‘I feel’ statements: Communicate your feelings, and tie the feelings to specific behaviors, not core personality traits (e.g., “When you don’t respond, I feel ignored, and I worry that you aren’t listening.” “When you fall asleep on the couch while we are watching TV, I sometimes feel like you don’t want to interact with me.”).
4. Suggest specific changes in behavior, not personality: Explore specific behavioral changes that might address the underlying issue (a check-in after dinner, a date for sex, a revised budget, a new screen time plan). The practical solutions are easier to find and more likely to be successful after some work accepting the underlying differences.

These small changes may disappoint you if you're hoping for a personality transformation, but they can offer a way out of a vicious cycle. Small changes can be transformative when they are connected to a deep, mutual acceptance of one another.

Accepting that a relationship is not working

What if acceptance means sacrificing too much of yourself? What if your partner’s core traits are no longer ones you can live with?

In extreme cases, accepting your partner’s personality traits can lead to a decision to leave the relationship. Of course, leaving a committed relationship should not be an impulsive or reactive decision: Separation is more likely when differences have created vicious cycles that have become entrenched over the years, causing prolonged hurt, resentment, and contempt.²

Couples therapy can help, but sometimes even the best efforts aren’t enough. The need to leave a relationship is more obvious when there are patterns of abuse, infidelity, or substance abuse. Yet, there do not have to be obvious red flags for a relationship to fall into deep ruts of estrangement or contempt.

Meaningful change vs. a quick fix

Acceptance is a complicated term that can be defined so broadly that it becomes an empty cliche. However, I think it is the best word for describing the important psychological work we do in our long-term, intimate relationships.

There is an overemphasis on quick self-improvement in contemporary culture. As we set goals and plans of action for our physical health or our professional life, it makes sense to bring this problem-solving attitude to our relationships. If you are not happy, you should try to fix the problem. However, intimate relationships are not formed out of thin air: They are forged over time through the interaction of two human beings in a particular context, each with their own temperaments and personal histories. True change in relationships comes not from fixing each other, but from embracing the differences that define us.