Are You Feeling Alone in a Primary Relationship?

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I am reminded of Gilbert O’Sullivan’s 1971 melancholic ballad, “Alone Again Naturally,” depicting the inevitability of being or feeling alone. It is natural to feel a measure of aloneness in a significant relationship. It can simply represent an element of uniqueness in differing values, beliefs, and preferences. Couples tend to initially celebrate how much they have in common, only to discover later the uniqueness of each person. What we have in common is easy to navigate. How we are different is not so easy. Feeling alone can be a prevailing theme in an important relationship. The aloneness can be created by you, your partner or friend, or by the both of you in the following ways.

Distancing – Distancing physically and/or emotionally. Emotional distancing happens when there is a lack of transparency concerning how we feel emotionally and what we desire. Avoiding conflict is another way of distancing. It also happens when we don’t empathize with the other person’s emotions.

Busyness – Being busy is a special kind of distancing, especially concerning parenting or employment responsibilities. Those two areas can make us feel hard-pressed. Because such busyness can be viewed as honorable, its propensity to create aloneness can go hidden and unspoken. Hence, busyness needs honest attention.

Dominating – A pattern of domination where you are complaining, prescribing, advising, preaching, or analyzing quickly creates emotional separation and a feeling of aloneness.

Complying and adapting – The strong use of compliance and adaption in a relationship compromises your participation as your needs go on hold. It may result in both people feeling alone.

Addiction – By definition, an addiction to street drugs, prescriptions, alcohol, or gambling creates emotional isolation. Such an obsession is insular, creating a boundary between the object of your obsession and the people you deem important.

Passive Aggression – This is the unconscious expression of anger, typically leaving the recipient feeling belittled and devalued. It can be challenging to work with because it is unconscious. However, that doesn’t mean we get to be exempt from being responsible for our passive-aggressive behavior. Examples include withdrawing and avoiding, deferring responsibility, sarcasm and hostile humor, prolonged silences, withholding valuable information, forgetting about agreements, taking no ownership for mistakes, and gaslighting (encouraging others to doubt themselves). A single incident of any of these does not necessitate passive aggression, but a pattern of behavior does.

Expecting emotional deprivation – Growing up in a family where there was substantial emotional neglect can leave you feeling like being alone in a significant relationship is normal.

Making your partner the only source of emotional support – It’s only too easy to feel alone when this happens. Your expectations become too much for one person to handle, and a natural response is to feel alone.

When There’s Too Much Aloneness

The first step toward deciding whether your primary relationship is supplying too much aloneness is to be self-responsible, getting honest about whether or not you are contributing to your aloneness. Review the above components of creating aloneness and decide if one or more apply to you.

Get some help to clarify if you might be avoiding a discussion about differing opinions and needs between you and your partner. Become more discerning about how welcoming you are of your partner’s uniqueness and how welcomed you feel by your partner. Working responsibly with diverse beliefs, values, and preferences may make you feel alone. Remember that your partner is not supposed to be a clone of you.

Have you created a support system that goes beyond just your partner? It’s advisable before making a serious change regarding your relationship.

Learn how invested your partner is in addressing your feelings of aloneness. If your aloneness extends to being alone when the topic of feeling alone arises, that is likely too much aloneness.

If you’re considering leaving a relationship due to prolonged feelings of aloneness, then consider the following: Have you created a viable support system? Have you interrupted ways you develop feelings of loneliness? Do you know how to make feeling alone okay in discussions regarding differences? Have you received a refusal by your partner to address your feelings of aloneness?

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Remember that separation is typically an easy way to cope with diverse beliefs and values. However, you deserve to feel connected, chosen, and loved, with an authentic sense of belonging.