The Great Undoing for Parents in Recovery

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This is the fourth blog in the Parents in Recovery series.

One of the greatest challenges of being a parent in recovery (PIR) is finding the time and emotional space to be a parent and engage in the recovery process. So often, PIRs will get sober and then report that they do not have time to engage in therapy, self-help, self-care, and wellness activities. In their mind, using substances was a “quick fix” that fit into their chaotic schedule, and the time spent to obtain, use, and nurse a hangover was part of their routine. Drinking and using substances can also dull the impact of being overscheduled and mask that a PIR may not be able to handle it all. Getting sober can bring the reality that too much activity is not actually maintainable.

PIRs often use being a parent and caring for others as an excuse not to prioritize themselves. Drinking or using substances was their “me time,” but ironically, it was hurting them. Real wellness and self-care involves engaging in or consuming healthy things. However, recovery is a longer process to obtain relief and does not offer the “quick fix” of a substance. This is why it is necessary to slow down at some point in the recovery process, to make space for processing emotions, engaging in true self-care, mindfully engaging in therapy, and self-help meetings. Recovery is the great undoing that may somehow feel burdensome.

It is interesting to note that “First things first,” “Easy does it,” and “One day at a time” are a few of the well-known 12-step recovery sayings that are taught particularly to newcomers. They emphasize the importance of simplifying sobriety, not overthinking or overdoing. For some, early sobriety can be a simpler time when more complex obligations take a back seat. Some PIRs are able to take time in their early sobriety to follow these suggestions and to do less.

When the pain and discomfort of early sobriety fades into more of a maintenance mode of recovery, so can the earlier phase of “taking it easy.” What may have felt like boot camp and a breaking down of one’s identity and scaffolding may get rebuilt stronger. The energy that may have been stuck in the addiction cycle is now free and tends to cling somewhere else: work, family, health, and other preoccupations. While moderation is the key to the recovery lifestyle, individuals with substance use disorders (SUDs) tend to possess extreme personality types. A 2022 study published in the Journal of Addiction Research & Therapy found that individuals in recovery from SUDs possess the traits to be leaders more than the general population. Additional research in the Addiction Journal and the European Journal of Psychotraumatology found that the same intensity that once fueled extreme behavior can become a strength when paired with introspection and support. Post-traumatic growth in recovery can foster resiliency and purpose-driven behavior, which are highly adaptive expressions of what may have once been seen as extreme personality traits. In recovery, novelty seeking can shift from dangerous risk-taking to constructive pursuits like creative endeavors, entrepreneurship, adventure sports, or helping others in new ways. In other words, refocusing does not always happen in a balanced way.

PIRs may feel like they missed out on productive years and want to make up for wasted time. They may also feel guilt about their addiction and overcompensate within their family system or career. Or, they have an active mind that is searching for an outlet. As PIRs move towards longer-term recovery, they have likely created full lives for themselves and moved away from the original single-mindedness of early sobriety. Parenting in and of itself may not have enough of the pleasure that they once craved and they add in additional commitments to gain a sense of excitement. While work, exercise, health, event planning and other possible outlets may be viewed as socially acceptable, they may also receive praise that feeds their spirit. This can be a new high to chase and, over time, can leave PIRs with a new problem…busyness.

A PIR once stated that “When other parents start telling me ‘I don’t know how you do it all’ I know that I need to reign myself back in.” She has recognized her tendency to take on too much and to lose her equilibrium. So, how can PIRs begin to start to undo and get “Back to basics” (another 12-Step saying)? Shauna Niequist in her book Present Over Perfect: Leaving Behind Frantic for a Simpler, More Soulful Way of Living perfectly captures this concept, writing, "You can use whatever term you want: besetting sin, shadow side, strength and weakness. The very thing that makes you you, that makes you great, that makes you different from everyone else, is also the thing that, unchecked, will ruin you. For me, it’s lust for life. It’s energy, curiosity, hunger."

The challenge is, how do we “undo”, refocus, and find more peace in the moment?

• Work with a therapist who can support you in this process and also get to the root of your need for extreme productivity and busyness.
• Return to some of the simplistic principles that were used to initially get sober.
• Study and practice mindfulness.
• Utilize meditation and mindfulness apps.
• Read books that support simplifying your lifestyle and mindfulness.
• Learn to say “no” with both compassion and conviction.
• Create a list of what you want to focus on now, what you want to focus on in the future and what you want to.
• Experiment with different strategies that allow you to distract from repeated thoughts of tasks and responsibilities when they are not necessary.
• Have a cutoff time in your day for when you are done “doing” and consider having a loved on hold you accountable or set an alarm.
• Create a beginning and end of the day routine that supports containing your work and home-based tasks.

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.