Insensible Losses: What's Quietly Slipping Away?

Give yourself time alone to think.

Source: iStock/Joe_McUbed

A new man I’m dating has taken me to Cabo San Lucas. On our first evening, we slip into his hot tub and look at the endless, black sky with its countless stars. The next morning, we walk to the beach. The tropical sun is high and hot, and as we walk along the surf, we take huge gulps from our water bottles. Later, when we drag ourselves back, I remark, “We drank all that water and I don’t even have to pee!"

"It's insensible losses," he says. "Moisture has evaporated from your body through your breath and sweat. Without you realizing it, you’ve become dehydrated." He’s a surgeon. He knows these things.

Insensible losses in medicine refer to lost bodily fluid that is not easily measured, from breathing or sweating. I think for a long time about how you can lose something essential to you and not realize it until it's gone.

Some couples I’ve treated say their love slipped away without them realizing it until an incident triggered awareness, and one said to the other, "I don't love you anymore. I don't even like you.” Neither knew when it happened.

Muscle strength and flexibility leak away with age, and you don't feel it happening, you just try one day to open a tight jar, and you can't, or you pick up a heavy suitcase and your back goes out. And when did the ability to parallel park deteriorate?

Insensible losses: The times you failed to be kind to someone you love, not realizing the silent damage being done; the whole world’s hubris in throwing out plastic, polluting the ocean and killing some of its precious sea creatures; receiving terrible medical news and suddenly being struck by the beauty of the world, the things you stopped seeing in the rush to get everything done on the to-do list.

Don’t Wait for a Wake-Up Call

A 48-year-old married client of mine had no idea how much he’d built an emotional fortress around himself until he went to lunch with a female colleague who reached her fork into his plate and sampled a piece of his fish. He said, “The intimacy of that gesture—from a woman I hardly knew—made me suddenly realize how much I’ve lost of my own vulnerability. It was shocking.”

Then there’s a partner who one day says, “I want a divorce,” and you had no idea. Distance was there—sleeping in separate bedrooms, spending very little time together—but you never thought it would come to this. Now you want to know everything, but it’s too late. Your partner tried countless times to be heard, and you ignored the signs and requests. Now she’s gone.

An unexpected medical diagnosis can turn your world upside down. All your assumptions about your future are suddenly gone. If only I had known, you think, I would have made different choices.

Take Stock at Regular Intervals

1. To change your life, change what you notice.
2. Specifically ask yourself:
   Ask: “What am I thinking?” Also ask: “What am I not thinking about?” That’s where new insight, healing, and direction often begin.
   What is the greatest source of joy and happiness for me? Am I seeking that enough? What is the greatest source of worry for me? Am I devoting mental time to things I cannot change? What am I avoiding because it’s uncomfortable for me to think about? Is avoiding that serving me well, or is it preventing me from creating the life I really want?
3. Self-awareness grows by exploring the unthought.

Through therapy, journaling, meditation, or simple reflection, you can uncover hidden beliefs, feelings, and needs that are shaping your life.

Make an Action Plan

Ask yourself:

• What would I have to sacrifice to devote myself more to what matters most to me?
• How can I accomplish this without too much emotional or financial cost? Make a list.
• Confront the guilt you might feel for seeking what you want. Do you need to make peace with this? Can you inspire your loved ones to seek their desires? When is an apology warranted without giving up your goal?

Record your wants and your action plan. In a few days, study it and revise. Then commit to your action list. Perhaps it’s as simple as a gratitude journal that keeps you appreciating what you already have or see. Perhaps it means daring to switch careers or seek what you want with as little damage to those you love as possible. It might mean doing some hard work on your relationships—family, friends, or partners. Embrace progress, because some things will always be a work in progress.

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When it comes to insensible losses in your life, consider what you’re not thinking about and follow through on what you can do to remedy that. At the end of your life, whenever that comes, you want to feel that you noticed, treasured, and did that which mattered most to you.