Key points
- Experiences of anxiety in couple relationships get less attention than anger but are important.
- Some forms of anxiety involve trait-like characteristics; others are temporary moods.
- Perceived danger and associated anxiety commonly motivate partners to avoid communication.
- Awareness of one’s anxiety and factors eliciting it can lead to constructive changes in a relationship.
Emotions play a significant role in the quality of couple relationships, in terms of both the strong positive feelings that draw people to each other, and conversely in the distress that occurs when a relationship fails to meet partners’ needs for attachment, affection, and security. Awareness of one’s emotions is highly valuable, as they commonly indicate that significant events are occurring in one’s life that require attention.
The negative emotion that tends to draw attention most frequently from couples and from therapists is anger. This is not surprising, because some level of anger toward a partner frequently is experienced when the partner behaves in a way that the individual perceives as unfair, due to selfish motives, interfering with the individual’s personal goals, etc. Furthermore, individuals who perceive provocation and are angry are likely to respond with forms of psychological and/or physical aggression (Deffenbacher, 1996; DiGiuseppe et al., 2023) that can be damaging to the victim and relationship (Epstein, LaTaillade, & Werlinich, 2023).
However, anxiety experienced by members of a couple also can have strong effects on their individual well-being and the relationship. There are two broad types of anxiety that may occur within a relationship context. First, some individuals have stable trait-like characteristics such as insecure attachment personality styles that involve anxiety regarding problems with one’s connections with significant others (Johnson & Whiffen, 2003). In addition, anxiety disorders (e.g., generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder) involve chronic distressing anxiety responses in a person’s life and may have existed before a couple met. Second, in contrast to those trait-like anxiety patterns, individuals may experience temporary anxiety states in particular situations with their partner, such as when thinking about or actually discussing issues in their relationship.
Both trait-like anxiety characteristics and temporary anxiety states tend to be associated with the individual perceiving that they are in danger of being harmed in some way by life events (Beck, Emery, &. Greenberg, 1985). The degree to which such perceptions of danger are accurate can vary widely. Anxiety disorders commonly involve distorted extreme appraisals of danger (e.g., that one’s increased heart rate will lead to a heart attack). Temporary anxiety states also can involve catastrophizing but also may be realistic, as when an individual whose partner has been physically aggressive in the past exhibits nonverbal signs of escalating anger.
Similar to disorders involving depression, anxiety disorders and relationship distress commonly co-occur (Whisman & Uebelacker, 2003). On the one hand, an individual’s chronic anxiety symptoms can create strain on the couple’s relationship; on the other hand, living in a stressful and unhappy relationship can lead to anxiety.
Once a link between anxiety and relationship distress has developed, treatment of just one of them can have limited effectiveness. Consequently, couple-based therapies have been developed that simultaneously help an individual reduce their personal symptoms, improve the couple’s distressing negative interactions, and guide a non-symptomatic partner in supporting the symptomatic person’s treatment (Baucom, Fischer, Corrie, Worrell, & Boeding, 2020; Whisman, Beach, & Davila, 2023).
For example, an individual who had panic attacks might cope by avoiding situations in which an attack occurred (e.g., in a shopping mall), and their partner may have tried to help by taking over the person’s shopping trips. A therapist can convey empathy for the partner’s caring behavior that unwittingly maintains the person’s avoidance but also can encourage the couple to have the anxious person gradually take more challenging “exposure” trips into the community to desensitize them to the perceived danger.
Regarding individuals’ situational anxiety moods that affect their couple relationship, sometimes those moods are obvious but sometimes subtle. Individuals exposed to psychological and physical partner aggression at home commonly experience obvious anxiety and other mental and physical health symptoms (Epstein et al., 2023). However, to protect themselves from further harm from their aggressive partner, some individuals mask their anxiety, and therapists need to be attuned to subtle nonverbal cues of distress. It is important for individuals to be attuned to their moods such as anxiety in response to stressful life situations and plan ways to take care of themselves.
There are a variety of other circumstances in which members of a couple either overlook cues of their anxiety or fail to mention them to each other or a third party such as a therapist. Sometimes when I am talking with a couple about a behavioral pattern between them that they say makes them unhappy, it occurs to me that anxiety might be playing a role in it. I need to explore how each individual thinks and feels when in that type of situation.
For example, members of a couple may report that over the past few years there has been less physical affection between them, and even less sex, but neither of them has made an effort to have a talk about it. When I ask them to describe any thoughts and emotions they experience if the idea of initiating such a conversation even crosses their mind, or if I recommend that they do so, they may reveal uncomfortable anxious feelings.
Further exploration reveals that they feel anxious because they imagine a very awkward interaction with each other, which they end up avoiding. It becomes clear that their predictions of very unpleasant interactions and the associated anxiety are major barriers to making any progress on the issue. In couple therapy, we work on reducing those barriers, by practicing constructive communication skills for discussing problems and by reducing the degree to which the individuals are intimidated when imagining themselves feeling anxious while having the discussions.
Overall, levels of anxiety ranging from mild to intense commonly influence the quality of individuals’ experiences within their significant relationships. The more members of a couple become aware of their anxiety responses and the factors that elicit them, the greater their chances of making changes that in those factors and improving their lives.
References
Baucom, D.H., Fischer, M.S., Corrie, S., Worrell, M., & Boeding, S.E. (2020). Treating relationship distress and psychopathology in couples: A cognitive-behavioural approach. London, UK: Routledge.
Beck, A. T., Emery, G., & Greenberg, R. L. (1985). Anxiety disorders and phobias: A cognitive perspective. New York, NY: Basic Books.
Deffenbacher, J. L. (1996). Cognitive-behavioral approaches to anger reduction. In K. S. Dobson & K. D. Craig (Eds.), Advances in cognitive-behavioral therapy (pp. 31–62). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.
DiGiuseppe, R., Fisher, A., Raptis, J., Romero, K., Schieffelin, A., & Chaplin, W. (2023). What cognitions best predict disturbed anger in adults? A revision of the Anger Cognitions Scale. Cognitive Therapy and Research, 47(3), 510–529.
Epstein, N. B., LaTaillade, J. J., & Werlinich, C. A. (2023). Couple therapy for partner aggression. In J. L. Lebow & D. K. Snyder (Eds.), Clinical handbook of couple therapy (6th ed., pp. 391-412). New York, NY: Guilford Press.
Johnson, S. M., & Whiffen, V. E. (Eds.) (2003). Attachment processes in couple and family therapy. New York NY: Guilford Press.
Whisman, M.A., Beach, S.R.H., & Davila, J. (2023). Couple therapy for depression or anxiety. In J.L. Lebow, & D.K. Snyder (Eds.), Clinical handbook of couple therapy (6th ed., pp. 576-594). New York, NY: Guilford Press.
Whisman, M. A., & Uebelacker, L. A. (2003), Comorbidity of relationship distress and mental and physical health problems. In D. K. Snyder & M. A. Whisman (Eds.) Treating difficult couples (pp. 3-26). New York, NY: Guilford Press.
