3 Small Changes That Can Enhance Your Relationship

Have you heard the comment: "Once a _______ (fill in the blank), always a _______ (fill in the blank)"? It’s an understandable response to past injury. However, it isn’t always true. We would never say “once a baby, always a baby” or “once a beginner, always a beginner.” In these contexts, we quickly acknowledge we can develop and change, and change is something to celebrate. Research shows that our neural networks are constantly improving to find better solutions.[i] Our brains are literally wired for change.

Refreshingly, we are not hardwired by any particular age.[ii] You can teach an old dog new tricks—if he wants to learn.[iii] We are not stuck with what we have. We can change.

We are intended to grow and develop.

However, critics have somehow ignored this reality when it comes to relationships, particularly the sexual relationship.

A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life. —Christopher Germer

Show yourself and your partner a little compassion by making three mindful changes in your relationship.

Daily: Break the Pattern

Make the effort each day to break unhelpful patterns. Be a little courageous and speak up about something that’s going well or something that needs attention. “I really appreciated how you were so honest about your feelings this morning. One thing I really would like to see us change is...”

Weekly: Mindful Embrace[iv]

A mindful embrace is one way to slow down and evaluate feelings and patterns in the relationship. A mindful embrace is simple and takes just 5 to 10 minutes. Stand facing each other and loosely embrace. Support your own weight and be quietly proximate with your partner in a gentle, loose hug. Do this for 5 to 10 minutes. Notice feelings that arise during the mindful embrace or thoughts that come to your mind. Are there lingering problems that surface? Share these feelings and thoughts with your partner. Keep communication focused on the emotion or thought, and avoid being judgmental. Instead, be curious about why this might have arisen now.

Find the courage to talk about feelings of sorrow, loss, disappointment, or regret. You may feel hesitant to bring up a problem. However, if you persist in challenging yourself and your partner, you will change patterns and set a more rewarding course for the relationship. Conflict, approached with curiosity, is the opportunity for greater intimacy.

Monthly: Open Up Emotionally[v]

Set a time aside to open up about something sensitive or joyful or vulnerable. Having a regular, set time to share concerns is like a monthly cleanse. If both partners use curiosity instead of judgment, they will maintain connection and deepen the relationship.

Leo Tolstoy wrote, “True life is lived when tiny changes occur.” Just because couples currently have some negative patterns in their relationship doesn’t mean it has to stay that way. Just like anything else that is meaningful, change takes time. So be patient and persistent and allow the growth to slowly emerge.