Is It Actually Low Libido?

Source: Lina Kivaka / Pexels

Feeling like your libido has gone on holiday?

Struggling with wanting to want but really just wanting to Netflix and, well, watch Netflix?

Spending time wondering if you are broken? Or feeling shame that your libido is not as high as it "should" be?

You are not alone. Concerns about libido are among the most commonly reported sexual issues, especially for women.

But let's rewind for a second. What exactly qualifies as low libido and how can you tell if your libido is functioning as it should?

Contrary to common belief, libido isn't fixed. It's a dynamic experience that naturally ebbs and flows, influenced by various factors and contexts. There is also more than one type of libido: There are both spontaneous and responsive. All of this not to be confused with arousal, which is related to but not synonymous with libido.

What’s often labelled as a “problem” with libido is sometimes just a mismatch between what we’ve been taught to expect and what our bodies are actually doing.

So let's break down what you actually need to know when it comes to libido:

• Libido isn’t a fixed state. Your libido isn't meant to be consistent day in, day out. It's not a personality trait. You are not one or the other, high or low. Your experience of high or low libido changes depending on your stress levels, hormones, relationship dynamics, life stage, mental health, and even how safe or relaxed you feel in your body. This fluctuation isn’t failure; it’s completely normal.

• There are different types of libido. Spontaneous desire is the kind that pops up out of nowhere, like when you see your partner and immediately want sex. This is the one most often depicted in pop culture, that 'I must rip your clothes off now' sort of feeling. Responsive desire, on the other hand, emerges after arousal cues like touch, closeness, or emotional intimacy, meaning an intimate encounter could start with low to no libido. Think of it like stoking a fire: Responsive desire needs to build before it burns brightly. Both forms are completely valid, it's just that one gets way more attention. This can be especially confusing when many people, especially vulva owners, experience predominately responsive desire. In a world where spontaneous desire tends to be celebrated or expected, those with predominantly responsive desire can end up feeling broken, mismatched, or like they don't have any libido at all, when really, their experience and need for libido to build is entirely normal, just underrepresented and misunderstood.

• Arousal and libido aren’t the same. Libido refers to your interest or mental desire for sex. Arousal is your body’s physical response, like increased blood flow, lubrication, or heart rate. You can feel desire without being physically aroused yet, or be aroused without a strong sense of mental desire. They're connected, but not interchangeable, and understanding the difference is essential to understanding your own pleasure.

• Libido is deeply context-sensitive. If you're feeling tired, overwhelmed, disconnected, or unsupported, your body’s not going to prioritise desire. Libido goes beyond physical readiness. It's sensitive to whether the conditions feel safe, pleasurable, and inviting—both those in your external environment and within your internal landscape. If you’re surviving, not thriving, your desire might be in hibernation. That’s not brokenness. That’s your nervous system doing its job.

• Our sex ed failed us. Many of us were taught narrow, unrealistic ideas of how desire should work and what is considered functioning libido. The narratives that it’s always spontaneous, that you either have high or low, that it's tied to love or hormones, or that it should always be easy has left generations of healthy people feeling anxious or broken. That framework leaves no room for the real-life messiness of adult sexuality. When we don’t see ourselves reflected in the dominant narrative, we assume we have a problem. But most of the time, the story is just incomplete.

So before you self-diagnose “low libido,” take a breath and ask yourself:

• Am I actually uninterested in sex, or just exhausted/distracted/disconnected/stressed?
• Have I ever been taught what responsive desire looks like or have I been chasing a version of libido that was never mine to begin with?
• Am I in the right conditions for desire to flourish?

Desire, like pleasure, is something we can learn and relearn—something we can reclaim and redefine on our own terms. Like any other part of wellness, it's ok to reach out, seek help, and to be empowered through education.

You're not broken. You're human.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.