Why “Appearance Talk” Isn’t Just Small Talk

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“Ugh, I feel so fat today.”

“I was so bad yesterday; I ate cake twice.”

“I really shouldn’t have eaten that pizza.”

Do these quotes sound familiar? You have probably heard something like this from a friend, a family member, or even from yourself. These comments can be said casually in daily conversations and may seem harmless, but they are part of a larger pattern known in the research literature as “appearance talk.”

Appearance talk includes negative comments about one’s body and eating habits. The term was first introduced in the 90s by anthropologist Mimi Nichter during her research with adolescent girls. Originally, Nichter called it “fat talk,” but researchers have recently adopted the more neutral term “appearance talk” to capture that negative comments about one’s body can be about aspects other than weight.

Appearance talk doesn’t happen by accident. It comes from something called diet culture – the cultural belief that having a thin or lean body is the primary key to health, happiness, and self-worth.

We can be exposed to diet culture anywhere—in ads, on social media, during family meals, and even in the messages kids hear at school. It makes us believe that being thin or lean means being successful, disciplined, and lovable. So, when someone says things like “I feel so fat” or “I need to lose weight,” they’re often repeating what they’ve learned over time: Thinner and leaner is “better,” and anything else is a problem that needs fixing.

Why Is Appearance Talk So Common?

There are several reasons why appearance talk is so widespread. First, it’s a social norm. We’re taught from a young age that thinness is desirable, and that self-criticism is acceptable—sometimes even expected—as a form of modesty, especially for girls and women.

Second, Nichter’s research with teenage girls showed that appearance talk often functioned as a form of social bonding. Girls would complain about their bodies, not necessarily because they genuinely felt dissatisfied, but because it was a culturally approved way to connect with their peers.

Today, appearance talk remains common, especially among women, and it often shows up as shared jokes, offhand criticisms, or “guilty confessions” about food. For example, one study found that 81% of women reported engaging in appearance talk at least occasionally, and 33% said they did so frequently. Another study found that 93% of undergraduate women had engaged in appearance talk.

The Harmful Impact of Appearance Talk

Appearance talk may seem like harmless small talk, but its effects can run deep. Repeating negative comments about our bodies can shape how we think and feel over time. It reinforces the idea that appearance is very important and turns food into something to feel guilty about. This way of thinking can damage our relationship with our bodies, often leaving us feeling ashamed about eating and more likely to struggle with body dissatisfaction, the pressure to be thin, and unhealthy eating habits.

It doesn't only affect those who engage in it. It can be just as harmful to those who hear it, even passively. Research shows that being exposed to negative conversations about the body can decrease body satisfaction, increase feelings of guilt about the body, and trigger appearance-related anxiety. Women who often hear their friends engage in appearance talk report higher levels of body dissatisfaction and distress.

In this context, hearing negative body talk in the family can be particularly damaging for children. Even seemingly harmless jokes or “well-meaning” comments can shape how a child views their body and self-worth. Over time, children tend to internalise the way their parents talk about their own bodies and the bodies of others, and so these messages can become the inner voice that children carry with them into adolescence and adulthood. This was highlighted in a study among college-aged women, which revealed that past exposure to appearance talk from family members was associated with lower body appreciation and less mindful eating. Women who had grown up around more appearance talk were less likely to focus on their body’s functionality (i.e., all of the valuable things their body can do) and more likely to engage in guilt-driven or disconnected eating.

A Way Forward: Building Body Trust and Compassion

Even though appearance talk and diet culture are everywhere, we don’t have to keep repeating the same messages. There are gentler, healthier ways to connect with our bodies—ways that focus on kindness, trust, and appreciation.

One helpful approach is appreciating our bodies for what they do, not just how they look. This means noticing things like how our bodies help us move, heal, think, laugh, and care for others. This is called functionality appreciation, and it can be a powerful shift. Research shows that focusing on body functionality helps people feel more connected to their bodies, less worried about appearance, and more confident in everyday life. In these studies, simply writing down some of the things your body can do, and why those functions are meaningful to you, was one practical way of fostering functionality appreciation.

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It’s also important to treat ourselves with the same care we’d offer a close friend. Self-compassion means being gentle when we’re struggling instead of criticising ourselves. In one study, women were asked to recall a negative experience related to their body and write about it. While writing, they were encouraged to focus on three core components of self-compassion: treating themselves with kindness, recognising the shared human experience of body struggles, and mindfully acknowledging their emotions without judgment. Following this self-compassionate writing task, their levels of self-compassion increased, while their dissatisfaction with their bodies decreased. So, if you’ve ever found yourself stuck in self-criticism about your appearance, this kind of reflective writing may offer a gentle and effective way to reconnect with your body in a more accepting and caring way.

How we respond when someone else engages in appearance talk can make a big difference, too. Research shows that ignoring appearance talk by staying silent or changing the subject offers the least support and is linked to greater feelings of shame and body dissatisfaction. Responding with a similar complaint, like saying “I feel bad about my body too,” might create a brief moment of connection, but it reinforces the cycle of negative body talk over time. And while saying “No, you look great” is the most common reaction, that doesn’t improve how someone feels about their body overall. The most helpful response? Gently, but mindfully, challenging appearance talk. Offering a compassionate and non-judgmental reply can make the person feel truly supported and help ease their shame. You might say something like: “I wish you weren’t so hard on yourself. Your body is so much more than how it looks," or, "It makes me sad to hear you say that. I really value being at peace with our bodies.”

Together, these practices offer a more caring path forward. They help us move away from guilt and shame, and toward a relationship with our bodies that is built on respect, trust, and kindness. By changing the way we speak about our bodies and how we respond to appearance-based talk, we can begin to create a more compassionate, connected, and body-respecting world.

[This is a guest article written by Tuğba Türkcan, who is a Visiting Scholar at Dr. Alleva's lab.]