Stop Trying to Prove Your Worth to Your Adult Child

In my work coaching parents of adult children, one heartbreaking pattern repeats: parents feel they must prove their worth to stay close to their grown kids.

It often starts quietly: offering money they can’t afford, rearranging their schedules at the drop of a hat, walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting their child, or hiding their feelings to "keep the peace."

At the root of it all is a painful fear:
"If I don't do enough, give enough, or say the right things, my child will pull away—or cut me off altogether."

But here's the truth: love isn't something you have to earn repeatedly.
Especially not with your child.

In my book 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, I discuss the importance of valuing yourself while navigating emotional dynamics with your children. That principle is just as crucial when your child becomes an adult.

Real-Life (Name-Changed) Examples from my Parent Coaching Practice

Nancy, a mother of two grown sons, constantly offered financial help even when it strained her retirement savings. She feared that saying "no" would make them angry or distant.
After working together, she realized that her worth as a mother didn’t depend on being their bank, and setting boundaries led to warmer, more respectful communication with her sons.

Carlos, a father of a 28-year-old daughter, agreed with her political views to stay on "good terms."
Over time, he felt resentful and disconnected from himself. Through coaching, Carlos learned to lovingly say, “I see it differently, but I love hearing how you think.” This did not hurt their bond but created a more authentic, deeper relationship.

Trina, a mom to a 32-year-old son, kept tiptoeing around his critical comments, desperate to avoid conflict.
Through our work, she realized that every time she swallowed her truth to stay "good," she felt smaller inside. Trina began to kindly but firmly speak up for herself, and to her amazement, her son respected her more when she did.

A Mindset I Teach My Clients: KYV — Know Your Value

In my parent coaching work, I often remind clients: KYV—Know Your Value. When you're tempted to overgive, overexplain, or overcompensate, take a breath and remember: You are already valuable without needing to prove it.

Knowing your values means standing steady in who you are, even when your adult child is struggling, upset, or pulling away.

Tips to Break the Cycle of Proving

Remember: You Already Earned Your Place.
Raising a child is a lifelong act of love. Your worth isn’t measured by what you continue to "do" now. You are already enough.

Notice When You’re Bending.
Pause and ask yourself: Am I doing this out of fear of losing them, or out of love? Fear-based actions often leave you feeling drained and resentful.

Practice Being Authentically Available, Not Overly Accommodating.
You can be loving without abandoning your needs, opinions, or limits.

Don’t Fear Discomfort.
Healthy adult relationships—including with your children—sometimes involve disagreements, disappointment, or distance. This doesn't mean the relationship is broken; it means it's real.

Invest in Your Emotional Growth.
Focusing on your life, passions, and self-worth makes you stronger and more resilient, regardless of your adult child's reactions.

Closing Thought

You don't have to twist yourself into knots to earn a place in your adult child's heart.
You already have one. The more you let go of trying to prove your worth, the more you will feel your worth—and build a relationship based on mutual respect, not invisible strings.

My final piece of advice for you: Trust that your love speaks loud enough without you shouting for it.