Want Better Relationships? Start With the Circles of Support

Your "people" are waiting within the circles of support.

Source: istock/Jacob Wackerhausen

Ever feel like making friends as an adult is some kind of secret no one shared with you? Like everyone else already has their people—and you’re still searching? If you're neurodiverse—living with ADHD, autism, high sensitivity—or healing from trauma, that feeling isn't just in your head. The way you relate to others might be wired a little differently, and it affects not only who you connect with, but how those connections form and thrive. One framework that can shine a light on this dynamic is the Circles of Support model.

Originally developed in the 1980s by disability advocates, Judith Snow and Marsha Forest, this model was designed to help individuals with intellectual and developmental disabilities build a network of meaningful relationships. Over time, it’s become a powerful tool for anyone navigating life—especially those with unique relational or emotional needs.

Understanding what the Circles of Support are, and why they matter, can help us build richer, more balanced relationships.

The Four Circles of Support

1. Circle of Intimacy – These are your closest relationships: partners, best friends, close family members. These are the people you trust implicitly, are drawn to be most vulnerable with, and share your inner world.
2. Circle of Friendship – Close friends who bring meaning, joy, and consistency into your life, but may not be quite as emotionally intertwined as those in your intimacy circle. You may spend quality time with them, a cup of coffee, a birthday party, a fun night out, but you may not be drawn to sharing your deeper needs or vulnerabilities.
3. Circle of Participation – These are people you see regularly through activities like work, spiritual communities, gyms, parenting groups, or hobbies. You will likely not hang out outside of these settings, but they contribute to a sense of belonging and rhythm in life.
4. Circle of Exchange – This circle includes professionals you pay to support your life in some way. These relationships are helpful and often pleasant, but primarily transactional. Examples include your therapist, doctor, lawyer, accountant, massage therapist, fitness coach, or hair stylist. While you may build rapport and have a sense of care for this person, the connection is centered around a service being provided.

Each circle serves a unique function in supporting our social well-being, and living a balanced, fulfilling life often means having a presence in all four. Yet for many neurodiverse adults—and those healing from trauma or navigating mental health challenges—these circles aren’t always evenly filled. Instead, recognizable patterns often emerge, with certain circles becoming more dominant depending on an individual’s neurotype, trauma history, or psychological landscape.

Neurodiversity and Social Circle Patterns

For individuals with ADHD, autism spectrum disorder (ASD), or who identify as highly sensitive (HSP), relationships are often more concentrated in Circle #1 (Intimacy) and Circle #4 (Exchange)—with much less presence in Circles #2 and #3.

Why does this happen?

People with ADHD or ASD often experience emotional intensity, difficulty reading social cues, or burnout from maintaining surface-level social rituals that demand high levels of masking. As a result, they tend to either go deep too fast (seeking intimacy) or stay distant (sticking to exchange-level interactions). Maintaining “in-between” connections—like nurturing a regular friendship through consistent communication, trust, emotional support, and shared experiences—or regularly participating in a group activity often takes significant effort. For many, especially those who are neurodiverse, this kind of engagement can feel overwhelming, unstructured, or lacking in immediate reward. And yet, those middle circles—especially Participation—are often the gateway to all others.

Why We Need All Four Circles

While surface relationships can appear less emotionally fulfilling, they serve an important role in a variety of ways. They:

• Buffer the intensity of our deeper relationships by giving us other forms of support.
• Create routine and structure, which is especially helpful for neurodiverse adults
• Serve as “social gyms” where we can practice skills and build trust incrementally.
• Reduce the pressure on intimate partners or best friends to meet all our emotional needs, which can actually strengthen our close relationships by preventing chronic disappointment—fostering healthier, more balanced connections.

The Risk of Trauma Bonding and Blurred Boundaries

Those who have experienced trauma, especially relational trauma or neglect, often confuse closeness with safety. For adults with a history of trauma bonding, or those who haven’t learned healthy boundary-setting (which is also common in ADHD and autism), there’s a tendency to move people too quickly into the Circle of Intimacy—without a solid foundation of trust.

This can lead to emotional whiplash: feeling deeply connected one day and betrayed or abandoned the next. Relationships formed too fast, without mutual understanding, often unravel just as quickly. By not rushing the connection, it allows trust to build gradually, making it more likely the relationship will be well balanced and meaningful.

Find your people doing things you love.

Source: istock/ milan2099

Start Where You Are: Participation is Key

If you want to build authentic friendships (Circle #2) or even intimate connections (Circle #1), it often starts in Circle #3: Participation.

Whether it's a book club, yoga class, volunteer project, coworking space, or creative writing group—repeated exposure in safe, shared environments lays the groundwork for connection. You don’t have to “click” with someone right away. In fact, research shows that mere exposure effect—the idea that people grow on us the more we see them—plays a huge role in friendship development. For those who find unstructured socializing, or even small talk draining, this is great news. You don’t need to perform. You just need to show up—and let connection evolve from there.

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Want to find more people who get you? Try this: identify two to three things you genuinely like about yourself. Maybe it’s your curiosity, humor, creative spark, or enthusiasm. Then, choose spaces to participate in where those traits are likely to shine.

If you're playful, join a game night or improv class. If you're thoughtful, a book club or writing group might be your zone. When you lead with the qualities you value in yourself, you attract people who value those traits too—increasing your chances of deeper connection.

This can be especially powerful for neurodiverse individuals, who often feel misunderstood or overlooked. You don’t have to mask. You just have to be strategic in where you bring your full self.

Circles and Dating: From Participation to Intimacy, One Step at a Time

The same principles apply in dating. Many people who are neurodivergent—or living with trauma and mental health challenges—often feel overwhelmed by dating apps or disheartened by the emotional disconnect of casual flings. That’s often because they’re being asked to jump from Circle 4 (Exchange) to Circle 1 (Intimacy) without a meaningful middle.

Try thinking about dating as a journey through the circles. Start with shared spaces where conversation and consistency can grow: mutual interest meetups, creative workshops, or even structured dating events. As you move from participation to friendship, you’ll have a better sense of who feels safe, reciprocal, and worthy of your time and energy.

Make the Circles Work for You

No matter your neurotype, or past traumas, understanding the Circles of Support can help you create a more fulfilling social world. You don’t need to force yourself into every circle at once. If you’ve found yourself caught between isolation and overwhelming intensity, the Circles of Support model offers a grounded and compassionate roadmap for feeling confident when building healthy connections.

Start small. Show up and trust that with time, the middle spaces can lead to meaningful connection and experiences. Whether you’re making friends, dating, or building your professional network—your people are out there. And chances are, they’re in the Participation circle, waiting for someone just like you to say, “Hey, mind if I join?”