Why People Sleep With Partners They're Not Attracted To

“I enjoy having sex with other men because I realize how unattractive they are compared to my husband.” —A woman in an open marriage

We tend to enjoy sexual interactions with people we are attracted to. Why then, do so many people have sex with those they don’t find physically attractive?

Types of Sexual Activities With People We Don’t Find Attractive

Major types of sexual interactions with people we don’t find attractive to are pity sex, charity sex, instrumental sex, drunken sex, and sex when being bored and horny (Ben-Ze’ev, 2019). While describing these types, I provide answers people gave to the question, “Have you ever slept with someone you found physically unattractive?” (Mainly from Reddit).

Pity sex

"I would say my sex drive is about zero right now. Last night, we had pity sex. I couldn't wait for it to be over. Even kissing made me nauseous." —A woman

"I've been friends with this guy for five years. He is the sweetest guy, and I know he would treat me like gold, but I'm just not physically attracted to him. After confessing his love for me, I had sex with him; pity sex. I just wanted him to be happy and I do really care about him... I wish I'd never slept with him." —A woman

In pity sex, we are not attracted to the people attracted to us but nevertheless sleep with them as we feel sorry for them. People have pity sex because they think they "should," rather than because they actually want to.

Charity sex

“I'm satisfied with the charity sex I give my husband. I've tried the open option, but honestly, I prefer being with my husband. Sex outside the marriage was not satisfying for me.” —A married woman

Charity sex is an ongoing experience in which people love their partner even though they are not attracted to them. While pity sex is an isolated experience, charity sex is an ongoing one. Charity sex, common in enduring relationships, intends to enhance the relationship and is a short-term investment in enduring relationships. Charity sex may not be enjoyable, but it does not involve suffering (here).

Instrumental sex

“I can learn to be attracted to a bald, rich man.” —A woman

“I have sex with my husband in order to maintain industrial peace at home. After I check sex off my ‘to-do list,’ I feel bad about trading sex for this peace. I never talk about this with my husband.” —A married woman

In instrumental sex, people have sex with someone they don’t find unattractive who can provide material benefits, such as money or status. The cliché scenario is of an attractive young woman and an older, wealthier man. In this “sugaring” relationship, the romantic element is replaced by the instrumental wish to gain material benefits (here). The same applies to sex workers. Instrumental sex is also found in enduring relationships in the form of peace-inducing sex intended to maintain industrial peace in the relationship.

Drunken sex

“I am only attracted to my wife after three big glasses of beer.” —A man

Drunken sex is a type of sex that, in usual circumstances, we would not take part in. Unlike pity sex, in drunken sex the person may enjoy the sex. The conflict in pity sex is between what you don’t want and what the other person wants; in drunken sex, the conflict is between what you would not want in normal circumstances and what you want when you are intoxicated.

Sex while being bored and aroused

“I had sex with an unattractive man, because I was horny and desperate.” —A woman

“It's not the horniness; it's the loneliness.” —A man

In this category, people who are bored and horny may have quick sex with a partner they don’t find attractive. They see nothing abnormal or disgusting in such sex, though they are not necessarily enthusiastic about it—it is just an easy way to relieve boredom in seemingly harmless interactions.

When Is Unattractiveness Beneficial?

“Graphics matter but gameplay is what's truly important.” —A woman

Quick sex with those we find unattractive relates to the superficial and instant nature of current society, where timing, which is an instantaneous point in time, becomes more important than time, which involves long-term processes. As timing is associated with occasional circumstances, people continuously worry that they might miss an alluring opportunity. Similarly, the decreased value of gradually developing romantic relationships promotes the seizing of brief, dull and shallow sexual opportunities (here).

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Interestingly, there are also benefits to having sex with people we don’t find attractive. One benefit is the greater motivation, and hence, better performance of the unattractive person compensating for initially being perceived as unattractive (here). Another benefit is that we give more consideration to personality traits, such as intelligence and kindness, which are more important in enduring romantic relationships. Thus, sapiosexual people, who are sexually attracted to intelligence, can desire and fall in love with physically unattractive people, as did Marilyn Monroe, who desired Albert Einstein (here). Similarly, being sexually attracted to kind and generous people is most valuable to flourishing romantic relationships. Moreover, the insistence on having frequent sexual interactions within the relationship, even when they are perceived as less tempting, has the benefit that for most couples, frequent sexual interactions correlate with high relationship satisfaction (Johnson et al., 2025).

A degrading trait, such as initially being perceived as unattractive, can be valuable in realizing what is really good for us. You can have the best sexual and romantic experiences with someone initially perceived as unattractive. Being optimistic and open-minded is a valuable stance to take in this regard.

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