Deep-Rooted Shame From Childhood Adversity Is Malleable

This post is part of a series on adverse childhood experiences. Read the other parts here.

We all know people who are likable, accomplished, and outwardly confident, yet underneath their successful exterior lurks deep self-dislike and self-doubt known as shame. Perhaps that describes how you feel.

Shame from adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) registers not in the verbal, reasoning left hemisphere of the brain, which consciously recalls memories with words and thoughts. Rather, shame lodges mainly in the right brain, with its strong connections to the emotional and physical survival regions of the brain. The right brain processes and stores memories not with words and logic, but with images, emotions, physical sensations, and action tendencies. Thus, shame from ACEs plays out as a wordless felt sense—of dread, of not being good enough. All of this plays out mainly beneath conscious awareness, and usually does not respond to verbal persuasion and reason. This is why traditional talk therapies are usually not an effective starting point.

This makes sense when we consider that the left brain is not sufficiently developed in the first years of life, but the right brain is online and able to take in a disgusted look or angry tone of voice from a caregiver. After the left brain matures, it goes offline during overwhelming stress, as though the brain says, “There’s no time to think or talk, so just physically and emotionally react to survive.” Shameful imprints from childhood tend to persist into adulthood if not modified. Fortunately, these shameful memories can be modified.

Effective healing strategies for shame start with settling physical stress arousal and distressing emotions, and rewiring neural pathways with constructive imagery. Here is an example of how this is done (see Schiraldi, 2021, for other strategies).

Rewiring Shame

1. Sit comfortably in a place where you will be undisturbed for about 20 minutes. Rest, release, and relax in your breath. Let the gentle rhythm of your breath deeply relax your body as you let go of tension and any negative thoughts. Take your time.
2. Imagine, if you can, a time early in life when you felt shame in the presence of a parent (or significant caregiver). Perhaps you were neglected or treated as though you had little value, and you internalized negative messages about yourself. It’s all right if you can’t identify a specific memory. Remembering a general time frame will work for this exercise.
3. If you can, imagine the expression on your caregiver’s face—perhaps a scowl or a look of disinterest or disgust. Perhaps you heard an angry tone of voice but couldn’t understand or make sense of the situation. Perhaps, upon looking more closely, you see fear, sadness, insecurity, or preoccupation in your caregiver’s face. Whatever comes up is all right. Just notice whatever comes up with calm, curious interest.
4. See you, the younger child, experiencing shame—perhaps feeling anxious or empty, or sensing that something is wrong with you, that you are not good enough. Take a moment to locate where in the body you experience these emotions and physical sensations of shame. No wonder you had these reactions! You were just a child. Hold all this in a kind, nonjudgmental way. Whatever you feel is OK. Breathe soothing compassion into the area of the body holding your pain.
5. Now imagine that you—the wise, more experienced grown-up—visit the child. You feel admiration for that suffering child, knowing that the child will have the strength to survive and not repeat the harmful patterns of your caregiver(s). You know exactly what the child needs. Perhaps you, the grown-up, feel too imperfect to supply those needs, until you see that the child only cares that you are kind, sincere, willing, and fully present. So the grown-up you comforts and protects the child in all the ways that are needed, perhaps providing physical protection, perhaps a loving embrace or encouragement. Perhaps the grown-up instructs the child to push the arms out and assert, “Stop, that’s no way to treat a child.” Pause. Track what it feels like in the child's body to feel secure and cared for.
6. Now that wise grown-up brings that child forward to a safe and happy place, where the child can relax and begin to experience the opposite of shame. Imagine the child experiencing feelings such as hope, confidence, adventure, cheer, play, self-love, and compassion—a deep inner gladness to be who that child is. Notice what the child looks like—the facial expression, posture, movements—and how the child experiences the world, feeling worthwhile, capable, strong, and full of potential. Notice how that feels in the child's body.

The opposite of shame.

Source: alexel_tm / istockphoto

7. The grown-up you enjoys the feeling of being close and supportive to that child. Of course, the two of you are really one, and you are learning to be kind, loving, and supportive to yourself in every circumstance. Pause to let that sink in. Take a few soothing breaths.
8. Then, from a safe distance, you can, if you wish, look back into your caregiver’s troubled eyes with loving-kindness. You view your caregiver’s suffering with compassion, understanding that your caregiver had problems. And you know that you are very different from your caregiver.
9. Imagine saying, “I choose to feel happy and whole.” This is not said with anger or resentment, but with compassion for yourself, calm determination, and a sense of inner strength. Track how that feels in your body to declare that. Slowly push your arms out in front of you to establish a safe boundary. Then rotate your hands, palms up, as if to invite light and goodness into your life. Again, declare, “I choose to feel happy and whole.” Track how that feels in your body.

Practice this exercise once daily for at least three days. Notice if, even in small ways, deep-rooted shame begins to shift and be replaced by positive feelings toward yourself.