What Good Is Ambivalence?

We’re all familiar with the agony of ambivalence.¹⁶ The vicious cycle of internal conflict, avoidance, rationalization, impulsive action, and self-blame, driven by the anxiety of freedom, mortality, and the limits of our foresight, can paralyze us and harm our well-being.

Perhaps because of this familiarity, we’ve tended to overlook the positive face of ambivalence. But over the past decade, researchers have come to recognize ambivalence’s dual nature¹³ and highlight the important benefits that being ambivalent can bring.

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Better Decisions and Better Solutions

Being ambivalent improves our judgment and results in more successful problem-solving.

As Daniel Kahneman famously showed⁸, our thinking relies on two complementary systems. System 1, which we use most of the time, is reactive, fast, and efficient because it relies on intuition, rules of thumb, and gut feelings. System 1 works well in familiar situations, but it falls prey to bias and error in situations that are unfamiliar. That’s what System 2 is for; slower and requiring more effort, it utilizes thoughtful analysis and critical evaluation of the information and evidence at hand. One of our most common sources of mistakes in judgment is the tendency to rely on System 1 when it’s System 2 that’s needed.

Ambivalence triggers the use of rational, calm¹¹ systematic processing characteristic of System 2 thinking. It motivates and enables us to slow down, process information more thoroughly and carefully, question our assumptions, and weigh the merits of the arguments in favor of or against the options before us.^10,17 (There’s even brain imaging research that shows this happening.³) This results in better decisions and more reliable connections between the decisions we make and the actions we take.⁷ And if something interferes with our accessing System 2? We are less able to resolve our ambivalence.¹⁶

The positive effects of ambivalence on decision-making are not a purely cognitive phenomenon, however. The conflicting reactions that comprise ambivalence include not only positive and negative thoughts about the choices we’re facing but also positive and negative feelings about them,¹³ and mixed emotions play an important role in effective decision-making as well.

In part, this is because having conflicting feelings signals to us that we are facing an especially complex situation that requires greater attention, integration of complex information, and slower, more thoughtful deliberation.⁴ But the benefits go beyond the activation of System 2 thinking.

Emotional ambivalence increases our cognitive flexibility. Experiencing contradictory feelings motivates us to be more open to a broader range of information. We’re more apt to consider and balance both positive and negative perspectives on the options pulling us in opposite directions.^5,12 We’re also less likely to react defensively to feedback we might ordinarily be threatened by,¹⁴ allowing us to view ourselves more accurately and realistically.¹⁵

Emotional ambivalence also catalyzes metacognitive strategizing: critically reflecting on how successful our strategies for reaching resolution have been and identifying the alterations we might need to make in our approach. This, in turn, is closely tied to more effective use of self-regulatory processes—our ability to set a goal, compare our progress against that goal, and make changes to the steps we’re taking to reach it. In this way, ambivalence increases our adaptability to the circumstances we find ourselves in and persistence in finding solutions to our dilemma.⁵

Finally, emotional ambivalence enhances our creativity in problem-solving. The relatively unusual and surprising experience of conflicting emotions makes us more attuned to new associations, unexpected connections, and fresh ways of thinking.⁴

Enhanced Physical and Emotional Well-Being

Regular experiences of emotional ambivalence lead to better health and an increased sense of purpose and meaning in life.

One of the more surprising findings in the research on ambivalence is that people who frequently experienced a mixture of positive and negative emotions over a 10-year period demonstrated better physical health, fewer physical symptoms, and less age-related decline over time compared with people who did not.⁶ Why would emotional ambivalence make people healthier?

Resilience in the face of stress is a strong predictor of physical (as well as emotional) well-being. Research has shown that bereaved people who maintain affective complexity—the ability to experience positive emotions alongside the sadness and distress of grief—are better able to cope with even deeply painful losses.² The co-activation model of healthy coping⁹ holds that recurrently experiencing opposing emotions facilitates learning to “take the good with the bad”—to find ways of feeling good even in the midst of disappointment and distress. This helps people cope effectively with difficult times by confronting negative events head-on, learning from them and actively problem-solving, rather than trying to avoid or suppress awareness of the difficulties or allow them to become overwhelming.

Decision-Making Essential Reads

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How Choices Shape Identity, Behavior, and the Brain

Engaging in activities that promote growth and fulfillment promotes what positive psychologists have called eudaimonic well-being—the experience of authenticity and flourishing. When we are ambivalent due to a conflict of values—for example, it’s important to care for my children and to grow in my career, but pursuing one interferes with pursuing the other—our mixed emotions motivate us to actively seek out ways to balance and integrate our clashing goals, resulting in a greater sense of meaning and purpose.¹

Reaping the Benefits of Ambivalence

Recognizing that ambivalence has its own rewards might seem to fly in the face of what we know from experience. But while being ambivalent can be a source of tension, anxiety, and suffering, it need not always be. How can we make the most of the benefits that ambivalence can provide? The attitudes, skills, and actions we can take to make ambivalence less uncomfortable, more tolerable, and more productive in our lives will be the focus of my next post.