How to Navigate Workplace Desire Without Capsizing Your Career

When the chemistry’s not just in the lab, but no one dares to name it.

In my previous post, I argued that the true danger in professional attraction isn’t desire itself—it’s the secrecy, shame, and isolation that surround it. Now that we’ve named the monster, the question becomes: What do we do with it?

Sexual tension at work is rarely about sex alone. It’s a surge of emotion, narrative, unmet needs, and power dynamics. And like any big feeling—grief, joy, rage—it doesn’t have to dictate our behaviour. But pretending it doesn’t exist can lead us straight into decisions we later regret, or into a quiet kind of emotional burnout.

Desire is a wave.

That’s the metaphor I keep coming back to—borrowed from how we often teach emotion regulation in therapy. Desire has a beginning. It builds. It peaks. And then, often sooner than we think, it subsides. Sometimes once a month. Sometimes a hundred times a day. And that’s okay. There’s nothing inherently wrong with it. It simply is.

The goal isn’t to fight the wave or drown in it—but to learn how to ride it.

The better we become at spotting the swell early, the more space we have to choose actions aligned with our long-term values—protecting a marriage, a reputation, or a hard-earned career. If we only notice the wave when we’re already at its peak, it’s harder to resist innate drives. But if we catch it in its infancy, we can act with wisdom rather than reactivity.

So what are our options? Here are four common responses to workplace desire—each with its risks, benefits, and potential for growth.

1. The Freeze and Flee: The Avoidance Route (and Its Reckless Cousin)

Sometimes, when the stakes feel high, we try to shut the whole thing down. That can look like avoiding eye contact, switching projects, overcompensating with robotic professionalism—or, on the flip side, impulsively acting out.

Two sides of the same coin:

• Freeze and flee is about withdrawal—emotional shutdown, distance, or awkward coldness.
• Mindless action is the opposite—blurting out something flirtatious, sending a text you didn’t think through, or crossing a line under the guise of spontaneity.

The psychological cost: Repression and impulsivity both stem from dysregulation. What we ignore gains power. What we act on without reflection can have consequences we didn’t intend.

When avoidance can help: If there's a significant power imbalance perhaps, or if you need time to sort through your own emotions safely and privately.

How to use this strategy mindfully: “I need space to regulate, not to pretend this didn’t happen.”

Vignette—Freeze: After sensing an unexpected spark during a brainstorming session, Maya began avoiding team meetings altogether. When she did attend, she made sure to sit at the far end of the table, arms crossed, tone clipped. Her goal? Professionalism. But her colleague Sam sensed the chill, and her absence started raising questions about her reliability.

Vignette—Mindless Action: Liam stayed late one night after a particularly charged interaction with James. Without thinking it through, he sent a text: “Loved working with you today. You looked really happy.” He regretted it the moment it was seen—and had no idea how to walk it back without making things worse.

2. The Wave Rider: Mindfulness and Internal Regulation

Attraction is natural. Not shameful. Like any strong emotion, it will rise, peak, and fade. The goal here is not to suppress desire, but to observe it without being consumed by it.

Helpful practices:

• Noticing body sensations without judgment
• Separating the story (“They must feel it too!”) from the sensation (“I feel fluttery and warm”)
• Breathing through the urge to act
• Using grounding techniques or defusion tools from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

Inner dialogue script: “I’m feeling drawn to this person. I don’t need to do anything about it. It’s ok to feel this way.”

Vignette: Tara felt her stomach flip every time she worked with Jordan. Instead of spiraling, she took a beat before meetings to ground herself—feet on floor, breath steady. She reminded herself: “This is attraction, not instruction.” The sensation passed. She could stay present and professional without pretending she felt nothing.

3. The Honest Mirror: Letting Desire Teach You

Sometimes, attraction is a mirror. It reflects something we’ve forgotten, longed for, or denied in ourselves.

Questions to consider:

• Am I drawn to this person because they’re bold, and I’ve silenced my own voice?
• Do I crave their warmth because I’m burned out and emotionally starved?
• Am I projecting unmet needs onto them—validation, freedom, adventure?

Desire can illuminate where we feel stuck or starved—not just sexually, but spiritually or emotionally.

This isn’t about overanalysis. It’s about growth. Using the moment as a mirror—not a mistake.

Journal prompt: What might this feeling be pointing to that I want more of in my life—and how could I pursue it in a healthy, grounded way?

Vignette: Sam found himself drawn to a confident new hire who spoke her mind freely. It rattled him—until he realized it wasn’t about her. It was about him, and how he’d muted his own voice for years. That insight led him to speak up more in meetings and pursue leadership coaching.

4. The Energy Alchemist: Channel and Transform

Sexual tension generates energy. But it doesn’t have to be romantic or destructive. That same charge can be redirected—toward ambition, creativity, or clarity.

Redirection strategies:

• Pouring focus into a shared project
• Clarifying your values and goals
• Using the emotional spark to spark other kinds of movement: a bold idea, a new initiative, a personal reinvention

Vignette: After weeks of simmering tension with a colleague on a joint project, Amira took the charge she felt and poured it into their pitch. Instead of banter, she brought bold ideas. The result? A standout presentation—and a renewed sense of agency. She chose creative brilliance over blurred boundaries.

Reframe the attraction as a call toward who you want to become—not what (or who) you want to acquire.

Conclusion: Staying Afloat

Desire isn’t the enemy. Disconnection, repression, shame, and secrecy are.

Work isn’t a monastery. But it’s also not a dating app. It’s a place full of humans—flawed, vibrant, longing humans—who, hopefully, bring their full multi-dimensional and layered selves into cubicles and Zoom calls, whether we admit it or not.

The goal isn’t to suppress or act on every wave of attraction. It’s to ride them with awareness, integrity, and even a little grace or humour.

Sometimes, navigating desire well—without shame or sabotage—can become one of the most quietly powerful things you ever do in your career… or your personal growth.