2 Hidden Factors That Contribute to Family Estrangement

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For those who have been shunned, estrangement often evokes significant questioning, soul-searching, and rumination. Many ask: “What did I do?” “What went wrong?” “What caused this?”

Toxic family dynamics—including but not limited to abuse, mental illness, spousal pressure, domestic violence, divorce, parenting, or life-cycle events—are among the factors contributing to breakdowns of family relationships.

Two other drivers are rarely acknowledged or considered. Yet both may offer crucial clues as to why a family member maintains distance or terminates a relationship.

Hiding Vices

A family member may be hiding an unhealthy coping strategy: use of drugs or pornography, an eating disorder, gambling, or some other vice. By going silent, the addict signals family members to stay out of their business and not ask questions. Addicts fear the family will judge them, and they often isolate themselves to avoid shame, family pressure, or rejection.

As substance users become overwhelmed by their addiction, they do not prioritize family relationships. Instead, they may turn to social circles where their behavior is accepted and even encouraged, distancing themselves from support or healing opportunities.

“As a result, family members may feel hurt, angry, and powerless to help their loved one,” explains Marie Morin, a licensed therapist and coach. “They may try to intervene, set boundaries, or offer support, only to be met with resistance and rejection. Over time, communication and trust erode, ultimately resulting in estrangement.”

Users may also isolate themselves as a manipulation tactic to strengthen their victim stance. In this case, the addict flips the script, blaming the family for “forcing” them to hide. Some users gauge their self-worth by seeing how far the family will go to provide extra attention and chase them down.

These manipulations can create a cycle in which the family consistently reaches out, only to be repeatedly rejected. Family members caught in this cycle may eventually feel they’re always walking on eggshells, which can lead to a cutoff.

While addiction can be a contributor to estrangement, it often is a reflection of broader family issues. In her book, Family Estrangement: A Matter of Perspective, Kylie Agllias cites research showing that family members rarely attributed estrangement to mental illness or addiction alone.

“Mental illness and addiction were often viewed as contributors to the estrangement, or as indicators of broader family issues that ultimately resulted in family estrangement,” she explains. “For example, an adult child will often attribute estrangement from their father to parentification and parental absence, rather than the gambling or alcohol use that most likely created and exacerbated these phenomena.”

Avoiding Triggers

Another reason some may isolate themselves from the family is simply to avoid triggers. Those raised in chaos may find it difficult to visit the people and places that remind them of their traumatic childhood. Some refuse to return to the family home or even spend time with relatives because those experiences evoke painful memories and emotional responses, such as anger or anxiety, or even physical sensations, like a racing heart.

Trauma triggers are not always obvious, and some people don’t recognize having encountered a trigger; therefore, they can’t anticipate them. They may feel blindsided by these stealthy prompts.

However, the mind and body keep a record of dangerous situations and experiences. Researchers believe that traumatic memories are a kind of conditioned threat response. Sometimes called “traumatic coupling,” a trigger is linked to a difficult experience, and encountering it can cause someone to relive the trauma and re-experience the symptoms.

When someone has a disproportionate reaction to the present situation, he or she may be experiencing a trigger. For example, the sight of the perpetrator, or someone who resembles him, may cause a survivor of sexual assault to tremble. He or she may have an impulse to hide, run away, or fight.

Here are some examples:

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• Sensory Triggers: Smells, sounds, tastes, or tactile sensations that elicit the memory of a traumatic event. For example, firecrackers may trigger the terror of battle for a soldier.

• Emotional Triggers: Specific emotions or emotional states may cause someone to re-experience the trauma. For instance, feelings of helplessness or fear might bring back memories of a physical attack.

• Environmental Triggers: Settings or locations that are similar to the place where the trauma occurred can be triggering. As mentioned above, people who were raised in an unpredictable, abusive environment sometimes can’t bring themselves to return to their childhood home.

• Interpersonal Triggers: Certain behaviors, tones of voice, gestures, or interactions may remind someone of a trauma. For example, someone may be triggered by finger-pointing when an authoritative or controlling figure uses that gesture.

Here are a few common triggers:

• The anniversary of the trauma or loss

• Loud voices or yelling

• Loud noises

• Arguments

• Rejection

• Being ridiculed or judged

• Being alone

• Being ignored

• Breakup of a relationship

• Violence in the news

• Sexual harassment or unwanted touching

Certain factors can increase a person's risk of developing a trigger, according to John McGeehan, founder and CEO at The Dorm, which offers intensive trauma therapy for young adults. He lists these factors:

• The period of emotional development during which the trauma occurred

• The duration and intensity of the traumatic experience

• The characteristics of the event, including how extreme it was

• Being psychologically, physically, or emotionally harmed

• Individual characteristics, including personality traits and sociocultural history

• Emotions experienced during and after the trauma, including fear, hopelessness, and shame

• How much social support the person has before, during, and after the trauma.

Vices and triggers—two hidden driving forces of estrangement—are marked by avoidance. Understanding these behaviors may help the shunned who are constantly asking themselves, “What did I do wrong?” to stop personalizing the rejection.