Loving From Afar: Grandparenting That Bridges the Distance

While preparing to write my latest post, I came across this banner on a long-distance grandparenting website:

"Grandparenting From Afar: How to Cope With the Grief and Sadness of Long-Distance Grandparenting”

What surprised me when I saw the banner is how it’s framed—in such negative terms—and how it might set the stage for potential conflict and estrangement with one’s adult children and grandchildren. When grandparents are in good health and have close relationships with their adult children, many ways exist to maintain and strengthen meaningful connections with their grandchildren across the miles.

My wife and I have heard people say, “We feel so bad for you that your grandson lives so far away.” Understandably, some grandparents might feel grief and sadness when separated by distance. We all long to be present for our grandchildren’s small, everyday moments. However, the way we frame this experience—whether as a loss or an opportunity—shapes our ability to maintain deep, meaningful relationships despite the miles.

It's not the number of miles that separates families but, at times, estranged relationships that cause distance between grandparents and their grandchildren. My wife and I feel very fortunate to have a close relationship with our son and daughter-in-law and are often asked, along with the other grandparents, to visit, help, and watch our grandson when they travel. We feel grateful that we can travel cross-country, knowing that not all grandparents can physically or financially do this.

Living far from one’s children and grandchildren is quite common these days. According to the AARP, 52 percent of American families are dealing with distances of more than 200 miles between grandparents and at least one grandchild (David, P., & Nelson-Kakulla, B., 2018). Since this data is from 2018, the numbers may be even higher now.

Optimistic Mindset

Our mindset profoundly influences how we experience the world. It shapes how we interpret, respond to, and make meaning of life’s events. The pioneering work on optimism by Martin Seligman focused on how people can challenge negative thought patterns (e.g., “I’m missing out of my grandchildren’s lives”) to more positive and empowered ones (e.g., “I’m finding creative ways to stay connected despite the distance”) can reframe distance not as a loss but rather as an opportunity to develop new forms of connection.

Thoughts and feelings create behaviors, and pessimism can worsen a situation. Of course, it’s not uncommon for a grandparent to wish that their children and grandchildren lived closer, but how one accepts and leans into the distance determines the relationship—focusing more on what one has rather than what one doesn’t shapes how we react in different situations.

In my clinical practice working with grandparents, I have heard on more than one occasion, “I’ll never forgive them for moving away,” and sometimes they add, “and taking my grandchildren with them.” Of course, I validate and acknowledge what the grandparents are feeling and, at the same time, help them develop coping skills and ways of connecting with their adult children and grandchildren without guilt-tripping and alienating them.

It's not that there is a better or worse situation when one lives closer to one's grandchildren or farther away; both have their joys and challenges. The critical point is that the connection between the grandparents and their adult children and grandchildren indicates closeness in the relationships rather than the number of miles between them. Love isn’t measured in miles but in our effort to stay present in each other’s lives.

Tips for Grandparenting From Afar

There are many things that grandparents who live away from their grandchildren can do to keep the close connections. Different ages require different connections.

Share the wealth of knowledge

• Share your experiences and resources with other long-distance grandparents.

Family Dynamics Essential Reads

The Wedding Banquet: Faking Marriage, Finding Family

Breaking Bad: Moving Beyond Enmeshment

Harness technology

• Use FaceTime, Zoom, and other platforms to connect.
• Buy two sets of books—one for your grandchild and one for yourself—to read together over video calls.
• Send a short video of yourself reading stories or sharing messages with your grandchild.
• Text with older grandchildren who have cell phones. Send emojis and pictures, ask about their interests, read similar books and discuss them.

Create rituals

• Special goodbye rituals: Create a unique wave, phrase, or song before ending a video call.
• Grandparent "subscription box": Send a small monthly package with a themed book, toy, or craft to keep a shared experience going.
• Cook together: Share a simple family recipe over video chat, even if your grandchild is watching for now.
• Send treats for various holidays.

The Power of Connectivity Over Proximity

A precursor to connecting with grandchildren from afar is the importance of having close and open communication with adult children.

Grandparenting from afar isn’t a lesser experience; it’s simply a different one. The bonds we build with grandchildren don’t depend on living in the same town; they rely on our creativity, consistency, and commitment to staying present in their lives, no matter the distance.