Forgiveness
Do Kindness and Forgiveness Help Eating Disorder Recovery?
Self-forgiveness soothes and comforts like a soft, warm blanket.
Posted April 11, 2025 Reviewed by Davia Sills
Key points
- A supportive partner can help their partner with a structured exercise called 'The Aftermath of a Behavior.'
- Self-contempt erodes self-esteem and creates distance in relationships.
- Self-forgiveness opens the door to connection, repair, and recovery.
- Couples therapy can help relationships affected by eating disorders.
(This is the last post in the series about Ana and Jacob.)
Eating disorder behaviors often evoke criticism or contempt from both the person who used the behavior (self-directed) and their partner (toward the person with the eating behavior). Just like contempt is sulfuric acid for a marriage (Gottman, 2024), it is sulfuric acid for the person who just used a behavior. It hurts and erodes self-esteem.
Couples Therapy
Dr. Lee entered the room. There was tension in the air. Ana looked nervous. Jacob was looking at his phone.
“How has your week been?” Dr. Lee asked tentatively, holding her breath.
Jacob began, “We had that good conversation at our last session, and I felt so encouraged, and then last night, I went into the refrigerator to get some leftover pizza for dinner, and it was all gone. Same with the ice cream I wanted for dessert. I can’t take it anymore.”
Ana retorted, hurt and anger in her voice. “I thought you finally understood. Boy, was I wrong. All you think about is your precious food!”
James snapped, “How would you feel if you wanted something to eat, and it wasn’t there?
Ana flipped back, “Well, I wouldn’t throw a fit like a baby!”
Dr. Lee jumped in, “Before this conversation becomes a fight, I’m going to suggest something. Let’s try The Aftermath of a Behavior exercise. I have wanted to introduce it to you and now seems like the perfect opportunity.
Dr. Lee handed each of them a copy of The Aftermath of a Behavior and explained how, in this exercise, there is a speaker role and a listener role, and both are very important. It is called a recovery exercise because it is intended to help the person with the eating disorder history to analyze their behaviors in the hopes that through understanding and insight and the support of their partner, it will be possible to decrease frequency.
The Aftermath of a Behavior takes a couple through four very specific steps that help both partners better understand what happened.
1. Listen to Feelings
The supportive partner listens as the person who used a behavior talks about how they felt before and after engaging in the behavior.
2. Tell the Story
The speaker gives a play-by-play of what happened and then shares memories from the past that may have been triggered.
3. Try Again
The partner who used the behavior identifies supportive strategies for collaboration and turning toward the future.
4. Be Kind and Forgive
The unique part of this exercise is the section that asks the person who used the behavior to acknowledge regrets but then move to self-forgiveness and self-compassion, thereby making amends with their partner and repairing the relationship with themself.
Being able to practice self-forgiveness while extending kindness and self-compassion after a behavior allows for learning and growth. No one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes and uses behaviors they subsequently regret. Extending self-compassion, kindness, and self-forgiveness combats shame and guilt. The focus is on learning from this experience and moving forward.
The partner who used the behavior is asked to follow these steps.
- Say to your partner, “I forgive myself for _____” (name at least one thing).
- Example: “I forgive myself for binge eating last night.”
- Say to your partner, “I feel bad for myself because __________, so I will be kind to myself” (identify at least one thing).
- Example – “I feel bad for myself because I made myself exercise when I was exhausted, so I will be kind to myself today and let myself rest.”
Speaking the words out loud to a supportive partner is healing.
Frederic Luskin and Lyndon Harris (2025) studied the importance of self-forgiveness for recovery and subsequently wrote The Forgive for Good Recovery Workbook. They underscored how lack of self-forgiveness leads to long-term toxic shame, feeling worthless, and increased use of eating disorder behaviors and encouraged focusing on positive intention.
Remember. Self-forgiveness results in reconnection, repair, and recovery.
Ana finished the exercise, looked at Jacob, and then said, “I feel better. Thank you.”
References
Gottman, J.M. and Gottman, J.S. (2000). Level 2 clinical training Gottman method couples therapy: Assessment, intervention, and co-morbidities. The Gottman Institute.
Gottman, J.S., and Gottman, J.M. (2024) Fight right: How successful couples turn conflict into connection. Harmony.
Lampson, K. (2025). Therapy for relationships with eating disorders: A clinician’s guide to Gottman-RED couples therapy. Norton Professional Books.
Luskin, F. and Harris, L. (2025). The forgive for good recovery workbook: Overcome addiction, heal your past, and find peace in sobriety. New Harbinger.
