Assertiveness Is More Than “Speaking Up”

Most people likely think of assertiveness as “speaking up”—honestly expressing how they feel, standing up for themselves, and finding the courage to say no. This traditional form of social assertiveness can be quite beneficial and has been recognized as a critical factor in enhancing individuals’ social functioning and subjective well-being (e.g., Sarkova et al., 2013; Ates, 2016; Carstensen and Klusmann, 2021).

However, we believe that assertive living is about much more. Practically and clinically speaking, assertiveness is effective if it fosters well-being, and our well-being isn’t solely impacted by our social interactions with others. The model that we propose is a more robust conceptualization of assertiveness that is not only based on skillful communication, but also on the deliberate exercise of agency in shaping one’s behavior, emotional responses, and mindset in pursuit of a meaningful and fulfilling life.

Approximately 50 percent of our subjective well-being (i.e., happiness) is likely based on our genetic predisposition (“happiness set point”), about 10 percent on our life circumstances (e.g., marital status, income, age, etc.), and around 40 percent on intentional activities---although this latter percentage can be quite variable depending upon how intentional we actually are (Lyubomirsky, 2008). There are exceptions, but life circumstances don’t have the impact on happiness that we might expect, because we tend to adapt to our changing circumstances (both good and bad) and revert back to our happiness set point (Diener and Biswas-Diener, 2008). This leaves intentional activities (what we assertively choose to do and think), as the major pathway for enhancing our well-being. Recent psychological literature underscores the necessity of a broader framework of intentional activities for fostering subjective well-being (e.g., Marsh et al., 2020; Nima et al., 2024)—one that includes not only the social domain (i.e., the traditional view of assertiveness) but also the behavioral, emotional, and mental domains as integral components of a more comprehensive model of assertiveness.

Based on empirical findings from the fields of positive psychology (e.g., Diener and Biswas-Diener, 2008), cognitive behavioral therapy (e.g., Hagberg et al., 2023), acceptance-based interventions (e.g., Hayes, 2004; Stenhoff et al., 2020), and other disciplines, the four strategies of assertiveness that make up this model are based on proven, evidence-based principles of intentional behavior that foster well-being. Subjective well-being is commonly defined as a combination of life satisfaction and net positive emotions, and so by its very nature demands an approach that involves these four key dimensions of everyday living.

The following diagram provides a visual summary of this multidimensional model of assertiveness.

Source: © 2025 Scott Cooper & Naoki Yoshinaga. All Rights Reserved

In our book, The Four Paths of Assertiveness, we refer to these strategies of assertiveness as Speaking Up, Jumping In, Embracing Compassion, and Accepting Life. These skill sets are briefly described below. In the book we provide research, examples, and details on specific tools that can be used to implement each of these strategies.

1. Speaking up (social assertiveness) can significantly impact our happiness by fostering self-determination and fair treatment, and by helping us maintain healthy and respectful relationships with others. We define social assertiveness as directly expressing what we want and how we feel, without the intent of dominating other people.
2. Jumping in (behavioral assertiveness) is essential in obtaining what we want out of life. Life satisfaction is simply not possible without jumping in. It has repeatedly been demonstrated that jumping into enjoyable and meaningful activities can be valuable in reducing anxiety and depression. We define behavioral assertiveness as initiating needful or desired intentional activities, even when we don’t feel like it.
3. Embracing compassion (emotional assertiveness) is critical for responding to the biggest emotional challenge to our well-being: suffering. Compassion benefits not only the receiver but also the giver. We define emotional assertiveness as intentionally responding to suffering through helpful words and actions.
4. Accepting life (mental assertiveness) is a key aspect of coping with the ups and downs of everyday living. Our natural instinct to make judgments can be a prime source of daily dissatisfaction and negative emotions, and the softening impact of acceptance can be a major contributor to happiness. We define mental assertiveness as intentionally reducing unneeded negative judgment.

Personal power isn’t just about words; it’s about action, emotion, and mindset. But these skill sets don’t always come instinctively—they often require intentionality (i.e., assertiveness). We believe that just as we need to learn how to read, swim, or do math, most of us need to learn at least a few social and personal assertiveness skills. Despite our genetic predispositions and life circumstances, we can impact our well-being through the intentional behaviors that we pursue. This is the essence of a more comprehensive model of assertive living.